


Heart

by blunderingcloudwalk



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28296099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blunderingcloudwalk/pseuds/blunderingcloudwalk
Summary: A moment shared amidst a tragedy. Sougo wanted to be alone but for some reason, she’s here.
Relationships: Kagura/Okita Sougo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place shortly after the Mitsuba arc. It’s just a little scene I thought of~

Okita Sougo’s heart is cold and dark and small. It doesn’t have room for many people. Never really needed to. When he was young, his entire family was reduced to only one other person. When he was young, he didn’t really make any friends. When he was young, he never learned how to let people in.

He’s a sadistic police officer. He cuts people down. He likes to cause discomfort, destruction. He distances himself because it’s all he’s ever really known.

But now, there is a hole gnawing at the center of his cold, small heart.

Empty 

Empty

Empty.

If there’s only  one thing at the center of your heart, how will you stay together when it’s taken away?

* * *

Kagura’s heart has been broken and put back together many times. It has gaps and stitches, but it is large and inviting, quick to let people in, tenaciously holding them close.

Full of hope.

While loss caused him to shut down and close up, it caused her to reach out and press on. 

He believes that limiting the number of people in his life will make it so that there is less pain when they inevitably depart.

She believes that surrounding herself with company will make it easier to share life’s burdens.

Such differing means, but the same cause.

Kagura misses Sougo. It’s been days since she’s last seen him. She knows that it’s selfish and intrusive of her, she knows that he told everyone he wants to be alone, but she misses him. She misses their fights and their banter and his lively presence. She knows that he’s hurting. She just wants to make sure he’s okay.

She makes her way to a nearby park. Past the entrance, the fountains, the flowers. As Kagura walks, she knows that Sougo’s probably not here. He said he wanted to be alone, so why would he go outside? But she hopes. 

Kagura navigates through the trees for some time that feels both like breath and an eternity until she reaches a wide expanse of space. She would never say it, but she sometimes thought of it as their space. It was the place they went whenever they wanted to let loose with a good, honest fight- away from civilians and public property. She never bothered counting the number of wins, losses, or ties, but she has many memories. She wonders when they will be able to have a match again.

* * *

Sougo lies down in the grass, alone.

alone.

He knows that he has friends, people who care about him. He has Kondou and Hijikata. He has Gintoki. He has the guys in the Shinsengumi- even though most of them are just acquaintances, they still have a strong bond, they still want him to be okay. And despite all their bickering, he has Kagura. What does he feel for her? He doesn’t know if it’s love or not but he can tell that it’s decidedly different and profound and he realizes with a sobering jolt of pain that she is now the only girl in his life he’s close to. He doesn’t know what to think of that.

alone.

He shouldn’t feel this alone, he knows that.

But- there is nobody in the entire earth or universe that feels what he is feeling. He was the only person who kept Mitsuba at the center of his heart. He was her only brother and she was his only sister and they were each other’s only family and now she’s gone and that makes him feel so utterly and hopelessly alone.

Empty.

He is a hollow shell of himself, filled only with fleeting questions and regret.

Why didn’t he visit her more often? Why was he such a brat as a kid? Why did she have to neglect her health to take care of him?

Why did he end up living when she deserved to?

Sougo hears soft footsteps approaching him. Without looking, he knows who must’ve came.

‘I don’t want to see anyone right now’ is what he means to say, but he is weak and he turns to see her face and he is undone. Somehow his mouth rebels against his pride and he ends up saying “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Even though Sougo told people that he wanted to be alone, he doesn’t really. After all, this loneliness is what’s hurting him. But he doesn’t know how to communicate this feeling. He’s ashamed; he’s never showed anyone this weakness. When he was young, he never learned how to let people in and he stayed that way, hardening his heart. He doesn’t know if he can handle the act of inviting someone into his messy pit of grief. But he doesn’t want to be alone.

That is why he came here, with a childish expectation that Kagura will find him. He knows that she’s the worst person to see him in this state. Their relationship is built upon rivalry and strength and he is terrified of revealing this side of himself to her. But for some reason, it needs to be her. It’s a quality that Sougo has always hated about Kagura, but she seems to always know what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling. Everyone else would respect his request for a little extra space but he knew that she would barge in whenever she wanted.

“I don’t want you to see me like this.”

His voice nearly breaks as he blinks back tears. He feels so weak. He isn’t the sniveling sadist that she knows. In this moment, he’s just a sad boy who misses his big sister. As Kagura awkwardly sits herself next to him, he is pathetic and afraid of what she might think.

“Hey.” She is uncharacteristically gentle as she extends a small soft hand and cups the side of his face, brushing away a tear. Kagura’s eyes speak volumes, and Sougo can see the concern and care written in them. He stiffens at the touch. “Hi.” His voice is thin and apprehensive. He takes her hand, but pulls it away.

Why would she intrude on someone else’s mourning? This was his pain to bear; she had no part in it. So annoying, so insensitive- but then his eyes meet hers again and something inside him breaks. Sougo finds himself pulling her closer, softly sobbing in her embrace. His thoughts feel muddled, as if they are underwater.

_ hold me _

_ let me believe that everything’s gonna be okay _

Just for  this moment.

They would normally never act this way, but things are different right now. Sougo’s world feels shattered and he needs this. Her arms are secure around him and he clings to her, pressing his tear-stained face into her shoulder. Kagura emanates warmth and security, and he needs this.

She doesn’t know if it is right to speak, but Kagura whispers softly, unsure if Sougo can even hear her words.

“ _... I_ _have felt loss. I know that I can’t understand exactly how you’re feeling right now, but I know what loss feels like. I’ve watched my mother take her last breaths on her sickbed. I’ve seen my father grow distant. I’ve seen my brother lose his way._

_ What you’re feeling isn’t weakness; it’s a proof of your sister’s strength. Her beautiful impact on your life. _

_ You don’t need to distance yourself. I have felt loss, but I’ve also felt gain. When my family fell apart, I found another one here on Earth. They’re not the same, and they will never replace what I once had. But they’re here, and I love them. _

_ I know you have people around you. You have me, too. Let us in, whenever you’re ready. We’re here.” _

As she gave breath to her thoughts and kept her arms still around him, she knew that she could never fill the hole left by his sister.

She knew that if Mitsuba was here, she would be infinitely better at comforting her little brother.

She knew that they would never bring this exchange up again, or at least for a long time; she knew that they were too proud as rivals to admit they shared such an intimate moment. 

But Kagura knew that her presence was a tiny slice of light, piercing Sougo’s darkness. She knew that they would both silently carry this memory. And she hoped that she could help his heart to become more inviting.

So for now, she stays by his side, feels his tears soak her clothes, listens to his ragged breaths, and lets him cry. She is with him, and that’s enough for now.

* * *

Okita Sougo’s heart is cold and dark and small. But it is here. He carries it and it is cared for. Parts of it are empty, but parts have been filled. 

Slowly but surely, it is being filled by hope.


End file.
